Varied and Scholarly Observations on the World of To-Day!

Fair Warning

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 20:22:06 GMT

Dear Readers,

Greetings from your Head-writer. I hope this message finds you all well, preparing for the coming winter by dehydrating your hominy just like I asked Rodrick to do earlier today. He should be done by October, or else I truly fear for his life.

So as to not shock and amaze any of you and to allow you ample time to prepare your homes and loved-ones for an upcoming momentous event, I am taking this time to send you a brief message informing you all that soon I will be presenting the third installment in my universally applauded "Drunken Movie Reviews" series.

Yes, although I can barely hear you above the clamorous gallimaufry of Happiness from the general public, you did hear that correctly, Reader: I soon shall grace your Instant-net site with a rollicking account of perhaps the greatest cinematic achievement of this frightening, dystopian decade.

Of course I speak of Asterix & Obelix: Mission Cleopatra, starring M. Gerard DeParDieu as the titular Asterix - or at least I assume so - and the criminally underrated (possibly due to his never having appeared in an English language movie or television series or anywhere outside of France's burlesque [!] community) Christian Clavier, who according to his Wiki-Pedia entry is famous for his catchphrase "Okkkkkkkayyyyyyy!!!"

Also, this film is dubbed. If that does not scream "Drunken Movie Review", I don't know what does.*

Yr Ob't Svt,

Mr Z. Davis, Esq

*Clever reader! You know that it will be I who screams "Drunken Movie Review", as I will be well Drunk(en)!

Cooperstown Ahoy

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 16:56:18 GMT

When John Q. Smoltz getting his 3,000th strikeout last night, the Braves broadcaster predicted both the ball and the ball thrower would one day end up in Cooperstown. I agree with the man, of course, but it made me think about which current players that could be said about? Let's discuss the contenders and pretenders, shall we? I'm going to list everyone who I think a case could possibly be made for, but some/many won't end up making the cut. Also, young players like Sizemore, Hanley Ramirez and the like aren't going to be here, they've got far too long to go.

AL CANDIDATES
EAST
Boston: Manny Ramirez, Curt Schilling, David Ortiz
New York: Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera, Derek Jeter, Mike Mussina, Jorge Posada
Toronto: ~~Frank Thomas~~
Baltimore: None
Tampa: None

The guarantees on this list are Manny, A-Rod, Rivera, Schilling and Jeter. Regardless of one's opinion of Schilling the man or Schilling the character (or if you think there is even a difference betwixt the two), you can't argue with his contributions to the history of baseball over his career, let alone his stats. Ortiz right now is a weak maybe, and will need at least three more .300-40-100 seasons to even be in the discussion. Mussina, if you ask me, has never done anything to merit induction, as being consistently good (never truly great, mind you) over a reasonably long chunk of time just doesn't do it for me personally, but I would be surprised to see him kept out. Thomas is a no-brainer, and I think we can pretty much be certain he won't wear a Blue Jays cap on his plaque. Posada may come as a surprise to some, but I think it's much harder to come up with reasons to keep him out than to put him in. He's been the premiere offensive catcher in the AL for the better part of a decade, is an exceptionally underrated defensive player and receiver, and by the time he is done his career numbers will meet or better the likes of Fisk, Campy and several other backstops in the Hall.

Yes, that's right, I picked four Yankees and two Sox, five Yankees if you count my grudging acceptance of Mussina. I'm nothing if not magnanimous.

AL CENTRAL
Indians: None
White Sox: Jim Thome
Tigers: Gary Sheffield
Royals: None
Twins: None

We're starting to dry up here. Anyway, both Thome and Sheffield are pretty much slam-dunks. I can imagine Sheffield will get some blow-back from his rather, shall we say, Belle-ish personality, but he's well into his second decade of being one of the most feared batters in the majors and there's no on-paper reason to keep him out. Thome was guaranteed induction when he hit his 500th, because between that and being the (albeit meaningless) all-time leader in playoff HRs he has the massive stats that voters and the public love.

EDIT: I left out Pudge Rodriguez. Personally I think it's patently unfair that he has been given a complete, 100% pass on the steroid issue despite patently obvious and extreme physical and statistical shrinkage in the post-BALCO era. Shouldn't we look askance at his stats and, honestly, his one extreme statistical outlier of an "MVP" season?)

AL WEST
Angels: Vladimir Guerrero, Frankie Rodriguez
Athletics: None
Mariners: Ichiro
Rangers: None

Well, this one will be easy. Vladimir, were he to choke and die tonight (on a sweet, sweet piece of yucca) would be borderline with his achievements to date - and he's only 31. By the time he's done he will be a no-brainer. Closers are always borderline by definition, and K-Rod will have to consistently produce for the rest of his career (see: Rivera, Mariano) to be considered, but of all the current generation of closers, he's probably at the top. Ichiro deserves to be elected about seven times.

NL EAST
New York: Pedro Martinez, Johan Santana, Billy Wagner
Philadelphia: None
Washington: None
Floreda: None
Atlanta: Tom Glavine, John Smoltz, Chipper Jones

Since Petey on pure talent is the best pitcher of this generation and absolutely dominated the game for six/seven years, I can't imagine anyone could possibly argue against him. Santana is another story, to be honest. He has clearly been the best pitcher in baseball over the last three years, but will need to continue dominating for at least that length of time again - he only has 94 wins through age 29. Even if we ignore the 300-win plateau as unreachable in today's era, he will need to hit at least 200 to guarantee it for me. Wagner has no shot - he's the very definition of A Pretty Good Closer. Closers don't make it unless they're great. Glavine and Smoltz are clearly in. Jones is going to be an interesting case. Stats and accolades alone do not get him into the Hall, but as a top-notch citizen and the epitome of team player he may get pushed over the top. He certainly has been a top hitter for a long time.

NL CENTRAL
Chicago: None
St. Louis: Albert Pujols
Milwaukee: None
Pittsburgh: Entire Roster, clearly
Houston: None
Cincinnati: Junior Griffey

Ugh. I hate that Pujols is the only non-automatic person that I have to talk about, because I don't care for him. I can't understand how he was appointed as America's Drug-Free Superstar from the moment he entered the league, and I don't feel he is everything that the world says he is. That being said, if he keeps up at this pace for even five more years he is all but guaranteed election. Griffey? Yeah, he's in.

NL WEST
San Diego: Greg Maddux, Trevor Hoffman
Los Angeles: None
Arizona: None
Colorado: None
San Francisco: N/A (only major-league caliber players are considered for HOF induction)

Honestly, it took me a minute to remember what the fifth team in the NL West is, that's how bad the Giants are. Anyway, Maddux is fantastic and very well could go on winning 12-14 games for the next five years. Hoffman? Well. He's going to get in, that's for certain. 500 saves still stands as a magic number in this game. Without that number, Hoffman is little more than a exceptionally durable closer on an occasionally good team who failed miserably in every single (rare) pressure situation he was placed in. But maybe that's just me.

EDIT: I forgot Jeff Kent. I could really care less about him, and he's so hated by the media that he may have a bit of a Rice-ish sojurn along the way, but he's a simple "yes" at the very least.

Did I forget anyone?

One Last Thing For Today

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:14:42 GMT

My sixty-five-year-old mother has just sent me a copy of a recent Letter to the Editor of The New Yorker that she wrote regarding last week's article about Bed, Bath & Beyond.

In the letter, my mother calls the writer of the article a pussy.

Twice.

Parlez-vous Frances? Oui, grâce au Vieux Nez de Ski.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:57:38 GMT

As you may (impossible!) or may not (quite possible) know, I am going to Paris in April to celebrate the opening of my great-grandfather Lovis Corinth's 150th birthday retrospective exhibit at the Musée d'Orsay. I bet you none of you can use a priceless work of art as a family portrait. S'all I'm sayin'.

To prepare for my trip, I've decided that my demi-rudimentary knowledge of French will most likely be inadequate, unless I plan to order a lot of gravy fries or ask where the bathroom is over and over, so I headed off to Chain Bookshop #1 to pick up a little french primer. Eschewing the usual Berlitz courses and "French for Visitors" books with their lack of famous endorsers, I instead went for the course packing the most star-power behind it. Because after all, who better to tell you if a foreign language course is worthwhile than another than a world-famous superstar who could use any program he or she so chose?

Obviously, I picked the Cortina Method. Because with a celebrity endorser like Bob Hope, how could I go wrong?

"...I am studying the course in French... it seems a great way to learn a language." - Bob Hope

I wonder how Bob is doing on the program? Maybe I should call him and find out if it took him where he wanted to go in the world!

On Lines, Society

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:01:38 GMT

When does a can of soup stop being a can of soup and start being nothing more than a can of meat?

Stop blurring the lines, Campbell's.

Live From Studio Zed

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 16:07:09 GMT

I'd like to speak with the internet now. So if you're not the internet, now might be a good time to go fix yourself a sandwich.

Internet. Hello.

As you may or may not know, I've been away. As a matter of fact, as far as you know I'm still on vacation in St. Croix, which unfortunately is not true. Without wasting precious electrons on why I left or why I'm back, allow me to break my silence in the only real way I know how - with the most precious gift of all. And, failing my ability to get you the gift of a live baby - not a white one, let's at least be realistic - I will give you the second most precious gift of all, the gift of music. Yes, internet, it's the return of Live From Studio Zed. Wipe your mouth, you're drooling. It's not attractive.

LIVE FROM STUDIO ZED SET #9 - "LAZARUS"

Massive Attack - "Sly (Underdog Mix)"
KRS-ONE - "Black Cop"
Hard-Fi - "Living for the Weekend"
My Chemical Romance - "Teenagers"
Dizzee Rascal - "Old Skool" (featuring sample of Kelis - "Milkshake")
Muse - "Starlight"
The Dandy Warhols - "I Am a Scientist"
Elastica - "KB"
The Dandy Warhols - "I Am a Scientist"
RJD2 f. Travis Blaque - "The Bachelor"
Rocket From The Crypt - "Lose Yr Clown"
The Afghan Whigs - "John The Baptist"
Queens Of The Stone Age - "Better Living Through Chemistry"
Sonic Youth - "Kool Thing"
Smashing Pumpkins - "Tarantula"
For Love Not Lisa - "Slip Slide Melting"

This set is particularly good, if you ask me. Which you did. Trust me on this one. Your memory is going, internet.

I'm Makin' A Bee Line For The Do-or...

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 23:37:35 GMT

I 'm off to St. Croix for a week. Come on, sucker, lick my battery.

C'mon, C'mon

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 00:07:28 GMT

As I type this, I'm watching Counting Crows perform some surprisingly poppy song before the Home Run Derby, which is odd for two reasons:

1) That I am not in attendance at the Home Run Derby
2) That I am listening to Counting Crows

Anyway, as I'm listening to the song, which I learn is called Accidentally In Love, something keeps eating at me. I've heard this song before somewhere, but that would be impossible due to No. 2 on the previous list. Where have I heard this goddamn song?

Then the answer comes to me: these hacks have ripped off, of all things, Bruckner & Garcia's PAC MAN FEVER record, because let me tell you something, the song sounds exactly like Do The Donkey Kong. Exactly.

Adam Duritz, you suck.

Strawberries & Cream, Please

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 16:42:50 GMT

Did Nadal just really beat Federer 6-2 to force a fifth set? At Wimbledon?

Honestly never though I'd see the day. Federer can't defend Nadal's serve today, so if Nadal manages to break him... look out.

I bet you didn't even know I liked tennis.

Benoit News

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 15:36:12 GMT

No wounds from gunshots or stabbings on any of the three, apparently. Benoit sent "curious" text messages to Chavo Guerrero on Sunday morning, which Chavo reported to WWE officials who in turn contacted authorities.

Latest rumor is that Woman (her name is Nancy but her wrasslin' name was Woman) killed their son and Benoit, returning home and finding out, killed her. But no wounds on the bodies? And talk of an "implement of death" (the police's words, not mine!) being found? Man. This is going to be huge.

Why Couldn't It Have Been Perry Saturn? (Answer: Impossible - Who Would Ever Marry Perry Saturn?)

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 13:51:07 GMT

Pro wrestler Chris Benoit, wife, son found dead;
Police believe ex-world heavyweight champion committed murder-suicide

Every time I read this I have to rub my eyes in Hanna-Barbara style disbelief.

Seriously, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't know how many of my childhood/teenage heroes - okay, heroes is probably not the world, but I respected them and loved them for what they did - have to die before it's too many. Let's look back at the last five years, shall we?

Chris Benoit
Woman (Benoit's wife, former wrestler herself)
Mike Awesome
Bam Bam Bigelow
Sensational Sherri (just last week! whee!)
Earthquake
Chris Candido
Eddie Guerrero
The British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith
The Big Boss Man
Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig
Miss Elizabeth
Ravishing Rick Rude
Road Warrior Hawk
Crash Holly
Yokozuna

Of course, this isn't a complete list; this is only the extremely famous ones.

Everyone on this list died before they were 50. Most died by 40.

Fun times!

HUMANS ARE DEAD (AKA ROBOTS)

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:29:55 GMT

Hey you!

Do you like to laugh?

Chicago Manual Of Style, Eat (Drill) Your Heart (Head) Out (Open)

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 15:03:13 GMT

Dearest Readers,

Farbeit from me to use improper verbiage, so I present to you this question.

What is the proper way to describe a future act of treppaning?

Would it be considered gauche to say "I'm so going to treppan that motherfucker"?

Is the only appropriate way to use the present progressive, as in "That motherfucker is cruising for such a treppaning"?

This rarely comes up in polite conversation in this day and age, but as Jesus said, it is always better to be prepared, in case it comes up at the social club.

Yours,
The Editor

Burn One Down

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:27:49 GMT

Hell hath frozen over and Ben Harper hath appeared before an NBA Finals game, and he hath rocked it. Not enough weed metaphors, but it's the national anthem, after all. I think the best part of it is Tony Parker's "Eh, what eez zis, how do ew zay, rocking roll, yez?" expression.

Now Who's Going To Put The Baking Soda In The Beaker?

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:14:17 GMT

"It is with deep sadness that we regret to announce the passing of Don Herbert - the one and only "Mr. Wizard". Don lost his battle with cancer today, June 12, 2007, at 9 AM Pacific Daylight Time - slightly more than one month shy of his 90th birthday. He was lovingly surrounded by his family, who are at once, saddened by his passing, and relieved that he is no longer suffering."

I loved this man. Between him and Mr. Rogers they filled the fatherly void in my life as a little kid, and I'll always remember him for that.

End of serious post.

Yes No Maybe

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 14:13:29 GMT

New Imperial Teen single out today!!!!!!!

None of you care a whit about this but I do, and that is what matters, and you should all know this by now.

Actually, I think if you heard it, many/most of you would start caring at least one, and possibly multiple, whits. I think it's on imperialteen.com, and it's called Shim Sham. This is from their long-awaited new record produced by Redd Kross. There, I think I just made HB4 care a whit.

Hola

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 14:52:45 GMT

I'm back.

I'm alive.

In German, Spongebob Squarepants is known as Sponge Bob Sponge Head.

That is all.

Thee You Later

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 18:04:11 GMT

Well, I'm off to Barcelona to run what is bound to be the most half-assed scientific publishing conference in the history of Sitges. Back in a week. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Small Joys

Wed, 30 May 2007 19:42:27 GMT

I cannot even imagine how bad my life would be this week if not for the wonder that is this year's baseball season. My murderous rage is tempered solely by that wonderful number 14. I'm sorry, 14 1/2. Watch out for those Royals, they're creeping up on you in the wild card race...

It is a well known fact that I don't care for New York very much, but I have to say, it's pretty nice being here when the Red Sox are the best team in baseball, the Mets are the best team in the National League, and the Yankees are the joke of the season.

No Laughing Matter

Mon, 21 May 2007 19:28:07 GMT

Behold! The first image of THE FUCKING JOKER from the new Batman...

O SHIT THAT IS HEATH LEDGER!

Yahoo v Google: The Final Battle

Tue, 15 May 2007 17:47:56 GMT

YAHOO! NEWS ALERT: REV. JERRY FALLWELL DIES AT 73

GOOGLE! NEWS UPDATE: FALLWELL FOUND UNCONSCIOUS, TAKEN TO HOSPITAL

Eh, either way we all win.

And May God Have Mercy On (My) Soul

Wed, 09 May 2007 16:57:02 GMT

In an effort to prevent myself from dying of sickness and overwork (don't even get me started), since I am now on my lunch-break (a whole twenty minutes!) I am going to attempt to have a little fun and invent one of those things that you people tend to call a "meme".

Perhaps you find yourself on one of those "social networking" sites that are so popular these days and find yourself wistfully drifting back to the halcyon days of yore, those days back in the early nineties where your hormones were flowing like the mighty Euphrates and you first had the honor of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you're like most people you probably wonder what ever became of them - unless of course one of the two "M"s* took place, in which case you probably already know - but until now you haven't been able to really find out. Now, though, it's easy - a few clicks and you're staring your past embarrassments right in the ol' kisser.

So let's all, together, take a trip down memory lane. Everyone find a current picture of your first boyfriend or girlfriend, no matter how ridiculous, and post it. Do they look the same? Different? Plus two hundred pounds? Minus one hundred pounds? Lost an eye? Catharsis through horrible mockery, that's my medicine!

Girlfriend #1, a.k.a. "Upside Down Legs" (thanks mom)

Her hair wasn't blonde then (I think it was red) and she wasn't quite so Rachel Ashwell in her blazer stylings, but this is definitely her, and she looks exactly the same. It's actually kind of disturbing.

Okay you fuckers, it's your turn. Entertain me, entertain yourselves, entertain America.

* marriage/murder

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have a Winner

Wed, 02 May 2007 15:24:02 GMT

Even if you have no interest in Idol as I know a lot of you do, you owe it to yourself to watch this.

String Theory

Tue, 01 May 2007 14:04:37 GMT

This may have been the single greatest episode of any show I've ever seen.

Future Hiro!
Evil President Nathan!
Evil Parkman!
Kinda Evil but Still Useless Mohinder!
Good Horn Rimmed Glasses!
Dark-Haired Claire!
Bad-Ass Peter!
Stripper Nikki, Again!
Ando is there too!

Man. I don't know what we as Americans did to deserve this show but JESUS CHRIST IS IT EVER FANTASTIC.

V6 + 2 Herbs

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 18:49:46 GMT

I almost forgot to post the answers! Ones that nobody got are in bold.

V8 consists of: Tomatoes, Carrots, Celery, Beets, Lettuce, Spinach, Water-cress, and last but not least MOTHERFUCKIN PARSLEY!